Am I a People Pleaser?

Original exploration. Not a validated psychological measure.

Imagine yourself in each situation and choose what you would most likely do, not what you think you should do. Take the details as given: who is asking, whether it's urgent, and what saying no would or wouldn't lead to. Some situations are asked with different people on purpose, and none of them is urgent or genuinely your responsibility. If a relationship doesn't apply to you (for example, you don't have a partner or don't work), choose “Not applicable”.

Question 1 of 29A coworker at your level asks if you could spend this Saturday afternoon helping them reorganise the files for a project they lead. Saying no won't affect your job in any way. It would take about four hours. It could just as easily be done another weekend, nothing about it is urgent, and it isn't your responsibility. You've had tickets for weeks to an event that afternoon that you've been looking forward to. If you say no, nothing would go wrong in practice; they might just be a little disappointed. What would you most likely do?

Say you can't this Saturday, and offer to help another weekend Give the event a miss and help them all afternoon Tell them you can't, because you already have plans Help for an hour or two, then go to the event late Not applicable to me

Question 2 of 29Your partner suggests spending your week off at the same resort you've been to for the last three years. You'd clearly prefer somewhere new, and they've said they would honestly enjoy either. Nothing is booked or agreed yet, there's time to talk it over, and saying what you'd prefer wouldn't cause any practical problem. What would you most likely do?

Suggest something in between Say you'd prefer the other option, and why Mention it briefly, then go along with their idea if they don't take it up Ask what matters most to them about their idea, then talk it through Go along with their idea without mentioning your preference Not applicable to me

Question 3 of 29You finished your part of a shared piece of work on time, as agreed. A coworker is behind on their own part and has been cool and short with you all day. You didn't cause their delay or break any agreement.

Ask whether there's anything specific they need help with Apologise to them Carry on as normal and give them some space Keep checking in with them during the day until things feel normal again Not applicable to me

Question 4 of 29Your mother or father, who is healthy and manages fine on their own, asks if you could spend this Saturday afternoon helping them clear out a spare room. It would take about four hours. It could just as easily be done another weekend, nothing about it is urgent, and it isn't your responsibility. You've had tickets for weeks to an event that afternoon that you've been looking forward to. If you say no, nothing would go wrong in practice; they might just be a little disappointed. What would you most likely do?

Give the event a miss and help them all afternoon Tell them you can't, because you already have plans Help for an hour or two, then go to the event late Say you can't this Saturday, and offer to help another weekend Not applicable to me

Question 5 of 29Your own project already fills your working week. A coworker asks you to make a presentation for them. It isn't part of your role, they could ask someone else for advice or move their own schedule, and saying no won't affect your job.

Send them a template and a few tips so they can do it themselves Ask how much work it is, then decide Do it for them in your evenings Say you don't have the capacity Not applicable to me

Question 6 of 29A friend suggests a weekend away somewhere that's a five-hour drive for you and an hour for them. Another place, three hours from both of you, would suit them just as well. Nothing is booked or agreed yet, there's time to talk it over, and saying what you'd prefer wouldn't cause any practical problem. What would you most likely do?

Say you'd prefer the other option, and why Mention it briefly, then go along with their idea if they don't take it up Suggest something in between Go along with their idea without mentioning your preference Ask what matters most to them about their idea, then talk it through Not applicable to me

Question 7 of 29A good friend asks if you could spend this Saturday afternoon helping them paint their living room. It would take about four hours. It could just as easily be done another weekend, nothing about it is urgent, and it isn't your responsibility. You've had tickets for weeks to an event that afternoon that you've been looking forward to. If you say no, nothing would go wrong in practice; they might just be a little disappointed. What would you most likely do?

Tell them you can't, because you already have plans Help for an hour or two, then go to the event late Say you can't this Saturday, and offer to help another weekend Give the event a miss and help them all afternoon Not applicable to me

Question 8 of 29At a relaxed family get-together with no dress code, an aunt says in front of everyone that your clothes aren't smart enough. You like your outfit and feel comfortable in it.

Say lightly that you like what you're wearing Go and change, or leave early Let it pass and carry on enjoying the gathering Keep thinking about it, and feel self-conscious for the rest of the day Ask what she means, and consider whether she has a point Not applicable to me

Question 9 of 29You and a coworker at your level are splitting a joint task. They suggest a split that would leave you with most of the tedious part, about two extra days of work for you. An even split would work just as well for them and for the project. Raising it won't affect how you're seen at work. Nothing is booked or agreed yet, there's time to talk it over, and saying what you'd prefer wouldn't cause any practical problem. What would you most likely do?

Ask what matters most to them about their idea, then talk it through Go along with their idea without mentioning your preference Say you'd prefer the other option, and why Mention it briefly, then go along with their idea if they don't take it up Suggest something in between Not applicable to me

Question 10 of 29Your partner asks if you could spend this Saturday afternoon helping them sort through their old things to sell online. It would take about four hours. It could just as easily be done another weekend, nothing about it is urgent, and it isn't your responsibility. You've had tickets for weeks to an event that afternoon that you've been looking forward to. If you say no, nothing would go wrong in practice; they might just be a little disappointed. What would you most likely do?

Help for an hour or two, then go to the event late Say you can't this Saturday, and offer to help another weekend Give the event a miss and help them all afternoon Tell them you can't, because you already have plans Not applicable to me

Question 11 of 29You spend a Saturday afternoon at an event with your phone in your bag. A friend sends you a few casual messages. When you reply that evening, they write: “You hardly pay attention to me any more.” You'd never agreed to reply straight away, and nothing urgent had happened.

Explain you were at an event, and carry on chatting Ask whether something's going on for them Leave it, and talk properly when you both have time Apologise and promise to reply straight away from now on Not applicable to me

Question 12 of 29Your mother or father suggests holding a family lunch at a restaurant near them, which is a two-hour trip each way for you. A place halfway would suit them just as well. Nothing is booked or agreed yet, there's time to talk it over, and saying what you'd prefer wouldn't cause any practical problem. What would you most likely do?

Go along with their idea without mentioning your preference Suggest something in between Ask what matters most to them about their idea, then talk it through Say you'd prefer the other option, and why Mention it briefly, then go along with their idea if they don't take it up Not applicable to me

Question 13 of 29Think back to the four disagreements about plans (the holiday, the family lunch, the weekend away and the split of work). If you would have gone along without saying what you preferred, what would usually have been the main reason?

To avoid any tension I'd worry about what they'd think of me Their choice would matter more to them than mine does to me I'd feel guilty pushing for what I want I wouldn't want them to be annoyed or upset I'd have said what I preferred in all of them

Question 14 of 29Think back to the four Saturday requests (from your partner, a parent, a friend and a coworker), before anyone pushed back. If you would have given up any of that afternoon, even partly, what would usually have been the main reason?

I'd feel guilty saying no I'd genuinely want to help them I'd worry about what they'd think of me It would feel unfair, given how much they do for me I wouldn't want them to be upset I wouldn't have given up the afternoon in any of them

Question 15 of 29Imagine a coworker at your level asked you to help reorganise their project files on Saturday afternoon, and you said you couldn't because of the event. They reply: “Fine. I thought we were friends.” Nothing has changed: the job can still wait, it isn't your responsibility, and nothing would go wrong in practice if you kept your plans. What would you most likely do next?

Keep your plans, but explain your reasons again in detail Change your mind and help them all afternoon Keep your plans and leave it there Agree to help for part of the afternoon after all Keep your plans, and offer a time that suits you both Not applicable to me

Question 16 of 29A friend has been going through a break-up and has called you late every night this week. Tonight they call again to talk it over. Nothing urgent or unsafe is happening. You're exhausted and have to be up early for work.

Listen for ten minutes, then say goodnight Stay on the phone until they're ready to hang up Ask what matters most tonight, and agree how long you can talk Say you need to sleep, and offer to talk tomorrow Not applicable to me

Question 17 of 29Imagine your partner asked you to help them sort through their old things on Saturday afternoon, and you said you couldn't because of the event. They reply: “I guess your event matters more to you than I do.” Nothing has changed: the job can still wait, it isn't your responsibility, and nothing would go wrong in practice if you kept your plans. What would you most likely do next?

Keep your plans, and offer a time that suits you both Keep your plans, but explain your reasons again in detail Agree to help for part of the afternoon after all Keep your plans and leave it there Change your mind and help them all afternoon Not applicable to me

Question 18 of 29You and your partner planned to see a film this weekend. Two days before, a work task comes up that genuinely can't be moved, so you suggest going next week instead. Your partner is disappointed, but says they understand and is happy to go next week.

Apologise again the next day, and check that they're OK Thank them, and fix a time next week Suggest doing something shorter together this weekend Confirm the new date so it doesn't slip again Not applicable to me

Question 19 of 29Imagine your mother or father asked you to help clear out their spare room on Saturday afternoon, and you said you couldn't because of the event. They reply: “After everything I've done for you, is one afternoon really too much to ask?” Nothing has changed: the job can still wait, it isn't your responsibility, and nothing would go wrong in practice if you kept your plans. What would you most likely do next?

Change your mind and help them all afternoon Keep your plans, and offer a time that suits you both Keep your plans, but explain your reasons again in detail Keep your plans and leave it there Agree to help for part of the afternoon after all Not applicable to me

Question 20 of 29In a group chat with friends, you suggest a restaurant for Saturday. A couple of people reply with other ideas, and one writes: “Not that place again.” Nothing has been decided yet, and the comment was light, not unkind.

Suggest another place you'd also enjoy Apologise for suggesting it Say you still like it, and go with whatever the group picks Keep rereading the chat, wondering whether people are annoyed with you Back your suggestion with a reason Not applicable to me

Question 21 of 29An older relative regularly asks you to sort out their online shopping and phone settings. They could learn to do it, or get help elsewhere. You've helped many times, and it's starting to cut into your work and rest. This week they ask again.

Show them how, so they can try on their own next time Point them to another place to get help, such as the shop's help desk Say you can't keep doing these for them Do it for them again Not applicable to me

Question 22 of 29Imagine a good friend asked you to help paint their living room on Saturday afternoon, and you said you couldn't because of the event. They reply: “Typical. You're never around when I need you.” Nothing has changed: the job can still wait, it isn't your responsibility, and nothing would go wrong in practice if you kept your plans. What would you most likely do next?

Keep your plans and leave it there Agree to help for part of the afternoon after all Keep your plans, and offer a time that suits you both Change your mind and help them all afternoon Keep your plans, but explain your reasons again in detail Not applicable to me

Question 23 of 29Think back to the four times someone pushed back after you said no. If you would have changed your mind in any of them, even partly, what would usually have been the main reason?

Their reply would show me it mattered more to them than I'd realised I couldn't leave things with them upset I'd feel guilty To end the tension quickly I'd worry about what they'd think of me I'd have kept my plans in all of them

Question 24 of 29A neighbour you've only ever said hello to asks if you'd take in three large parcels for them and keep them for two weeks while they're away. Your flat is small and the parcels would block your hallway. There's a parcel pickup point five minutes away they could use instead, and nothing about it is urgent.

Say no, and mention the pickup point Take all three parcels in Offer to take one small parcel only Say you'll think about it and let them know Not applicable to me

Question 25 of 29Your manager proposes a new process. You have data suggesting it would add a lot of work for the team. Your manager has taken feedback well before, the company encourages suggestions, and there's no tension between you. Disagreeing carries no real risk to your job.

Ask what shaped the proposal, then share your view Mention your concerns to a coworker, but not to your manager Raise your data and suggestion at the next team meeting Say nothing and go along with the new process Talk to your manager privately first, with your data Not applicable to me

Question 26 of 29Your adult son or daughter lives nearby and is well. For months they've asked you most weeks to do their grocery shopping on Thursday evening; they could shop online or go themselves. This Thursday you've signed up for an evening class you've been looking forward to.

Suggest they order online this week Do the shopping quickly and arrive late to the class Tell them you can't this Thursday Skip the class and do their shopping Not applicable to me

Question 27 of 29In the past four weeks, roughly how many times did you agree to something that wasn't urgent and wasn't your responsibility, when you'd honestly rather have said no?

None Once or twice Three to five times Six times or more

Question 28 of 29Think of the last time that happened. Afterwards, how did you mostly feel?

Question 29 of 29In the past four weeks, did agreeing to things like that cost you any of these? Choose all that apply.

Choose all that apply, or "None of these".

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