How Do I Tend to Get Close to People?

Original exploration. Not a validated psychological measure.

Picture each situation and choose what you would most likely do, not what you think you should do. Some are about a partner or someone you're dating, some about a close friend. If a situation doesn't fit your life right now (for example, you're not dating), choose “Not applicable”. The statements after the situations are about the past four weeks.

Question 1 of 25A close friend usually replies within a few hours. It's been almost a day with no word, and nothing was wrong between you.

I message again, or reread our last messages for something I might have done wrong. I assume they're busy and don't think much about it, even though once in a while something really was wrong. I feel uneasy, keep it to myself, and wait longer than usual before I reach out. I'm fine with the quiet; I'd probably have left it a few days myself. Not applicable to me

Question 2 of 25Your partner, or someone you're dating, says they need a quiet weekend on their own and doesn't explain much.

I say “of course”, then watch closely for signs that something deeper is off. I ask a few more questions until I feel sure we're okay. I'm relieved; a weekend on my own sounds good to me too. I take it at face value and make my own plans, without checking whether anything is up. Not applicable to me

Question 3 of 25Early on with someone new, they tell you something personal. You're not sure yet how much to share back.

I keep most of my private life to myself for a long time; closeness can wait. I share a little, keep the rest back, and wait until I know them better. I share something at about the same depth and don't think too hard about it, even if it's more than I'd planned. I open up quickly, so they can see I'm just as invested. Not applicable to me

Question 4 of 25After a disagreement with a close friend, things between you feel tense.

I suggest talking once we've both calmed down, and assume we'll be fine, even if they need longer than I do. I need a good stretch on my own first; talking while I'm still stirred up makes it worse for me. I reach out soon to smooth things over, even if I'm still hurt. I wait for a clear sign that it's safe before I bring it up. Not applicable to me

Question 5 of 25Someone you like starts texting less often than they did at the start.

I send more messages, or ask straight out whether something has changed. I pull back and watch; I'll re-engage once their interest feels clearer. I match their pace and check in once, even if that means I never find out what changed. I turn my attention elsewhere; I'm not interested in chasing. Not applicable to me

Question 6 of 25You're upset about something that has nothing to do with your partner or friend. They ask what's wrong.

I play it down until I'm sure they have the time and won't judge. I'd rather handle it myself and tell them once I've mostly sorted it. I want them close: comfort first, details later. I give them the outline and take whatever support comes, even if they sometimes think I'm taking it too calmly. Not applicable to me

Question 7 of 25A friend invites you into a closer circle: weekly get-togethers and meeting their other close people.

I protect my calendar; a big social merge isn't really my thing. I'm glad, and I join when it suits me, even if they'd hoped I'd come more often. I'm interested, but I go slowly until the group feels safe. I say yes straight away; being included matters a lot to me. Not applicable to me

Question 8 of 25Your partner wants to talk about where the relationship is going, sooner than you expected.

I'm open to it whenever it comes up, even if I haven't thought it through yet. I'm usually the one who wants that talk; knowing where we stand helps me feel secure. Labels and timelines make me tense; I'd rather keep things lighter for longer. I feel pressured; I'd want more proof that things are solid before I say much. Not applicable to me

Question 9 of 25You notice you've been the one starting almost every plan with a friend.

I stop making plans for a while to see whether they come toward me. I mention it once, lightly, and leave it there, even if nothing changes. I keep making plans, and I also ask whether they still want to be close. I need to know. I quietly see them less; effort should go both ways. Not applicable to me

Question 10 of 25They cancel plans at the last minute for a fair reason, such as a work crisis or feeling ill.

I'm a little relieved to get the evening back. I say it's fine, but I feel shut out until we've set a new date. I'm disappointed, then pick a new time, even if they think I took it a little too lightly. I say it's fine, then watch whether cancelling becomes a pattern. Not applicable to me

Question 11 of 25You need a favour that matters to you, such as a lift to the airport or help moving.

I ask straight away; needing each other is part of being close. I usually find another way; relying on people is a last resort. I hesitate; asking feels risky until I'm sure of them. I ask when it makes sense and don't mind if they can't, even if I end up stuck. Not applicable to me

Question 12 of 25After a warm, close evening together, the next day feels ordinary again.

I enjoy the memory and let the day be normal, even if they were hoping to hear from me. I feel content, but a little braced for the warmth to fade. I'm ready for some space again; closeness is nice in doses. I want something that keeps the closeness going: a message, a plan. Not applicable to me

Question 13 of 25When someone close to me was slow to reply, I found it hard to stop thinking about it.

Never Rarely Sometimes Often Very often Not applicable

Question 14 of 25I asked someone close to me, directly or in a roundabout way, whether we were okay.

Never Rarely Sometimes Often Very often Not applicable

Question 15 of 25I only felt settled after someone close to me showed clearly that I mattered to them.

Never Rarely Sometimes Often Very often Not applicable

Question 16 of 25I kept a feeling or a need to myself because I wasn't yet sure how the other person would take it.

Never Rarely Sometimes Often Very often Not applicable

Question 17 of 25I waited until I was sure of someone before letting them see how much they mattered to me.

Never Rarely Sometimes Often Very often Not applicable

Question 18 of 25I held back a little to see whether someone would make the effort to come toward me.

Never Rarely Sometimes Often Very often Not applicable

Question 19 of 25When someone wanted more of my time or attention than usual, I felt crowded.

Never Rarely Sometimes Often Very often Not applicable

Question 20 of 25I dealt with something hard on my own, even though someone close to me would probably have helped.

Never Rarely Sometimes Often Very often Not applicable

Question 21 of 25I kept parts of my life to myself that someone close to me would probably have liked to know about.

Never Rarely Sometimes Often Very often Not applicable

Question 22 of 25The way I handle closeness led to friction, hurt or distance that I didn't want.

Never Rarely Sometimes Often Very often Not applicable

Question 23 of 25I felt lonely, even around people I'm close to.optional

Never Rarely Sometimes Often Very often

Prefer not to say

Question 24 of 25I'd like to handle closeness differently from how I do now.

Strongly disagree Disagree Neutral Agree Strongly agree Not applicable

Question 25 of 25Think of one recent moment when closeness with someone felt difficult. Which comes closest to what you did?optional

I reached out more, or asked where I stood I held something back and waited to see what they would do I stepped back and took some space Nothing like this has happened recently

Prefer not to say

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